It’s been just over a week since I dropped Rinn off. I haven’t had a nervous breakdown since last Sunday and have only cried on 4 of the 10 days so, all things considered I think I’m fairing pretty well. It took a few days of aimlessly wandering about with no purpose and questioning whether life was even worth living before I decided it was best to keep a list of perks, however selfish, of being childless.
I can sleep past 8am. I still get up at 6:30 every morning but knowing that I could go back to bed if I so choose is rather liberating.
I can watch “Snowfall” at 11pm without being concerned that the volume will wake Rinn up at which point he might wander out of his room, see people participating in recreational drug use and spark an interest not satisfied by the current programming on Animal Planet.
The only toilet I have to flush is my own.
I can swear without worrying that those swears will be regurgitated by a very small mouth in the line at Starbucks. In front of at least 4 people.
I can go to Target for face wash and not worry that I’ll spend 36 minutes reminding someone who has yet to financially contribute to the household income that not every trip to the store needs to be rewarded with a toy. And another 42 minutes letting that person “just yook” at everything I won’t buy him as he announces to anyone within earshot “we can’t buy this, my mom has no money today.”
I have almost forgotten how to say “please pick up your toys" where as two weeks ago I might have said that in response to "paper or plastic?"
We all have our coping mechanisms and it’s clear that remaining in a state of bitter despair was not my best look. Also if you must know this entire list is a sham and it’s disgusting how desperate I am to flush another person’s toilet (so long as that person is Rinn and so long as he’s home.)
This was made obvious when I talked to him yesterday. Disclaimer: I call everyday. Every. Day. I'm that mom and this is probably overwhelmingly obnoxious to my ex but frankly, when your role in human creation lasts more than the time it takes to unbutton your pants you have earned the right to be overwhelmingly obnoxious.
Rinn was busy telling me that he was shopping for party supplies at Costco with his grandparents and I was distracted trying to figure out how I’m ever going to convince him that Wisconsin is not one big party. This will be his second, maybe his third since he’s been there? Especially because this is the state that needs no excuse to erect a beer tent and founded a festival based on throwing cow shit. Look it up.
He goes on to tell me that Costco has flowers.
Then I hear him ask his grandparents: “Can we buy my mom flowers?”
So make that five days out of ten that I’ve cried.