A Dirt Road Anthem

It was recently brought to my attention that I’m ill-equipped when it comes to road trips. Mostly because I lack a car charger and when you’re about to travel across the state to scoop your boo from the airport and then drain your battery spending an hour in the middle of the night asking Siri where the nearest liquor store is so you can find the Messiah of beers, it’s apparently a necessity. In my defense, I once had a car charger but it spontaneously combusted one afternoon almost setting fire to myself and my car. Not surprisingly, I’ve been weary of them since.

Traveling eight hours with two grown men who have a hankering for Michelob Golden Light was actually the finale of my road trip adventures this week. I decided to hike it up to the Great Wolf Lodge in Kansas City just a few days prior to commemorate the youngest of my entourage turning 4. I packed our swimsuits, snacks, and downloaded the newest Paw Patrol app on his iPad and we sallied forth.

Rinn and travelling have a solid history; he’s done the voyage from Wisconsin to Arkansas and a handful of long-ish trips to dance competitions with only minor bouts of car sickness when we’re stuck driving thru the Ozark mountains. I roll down the window, he takes a few deep breaths and if he has too, barfs in a plastic bag, and then goes right back to “talking” to his basketball team on his faux cell phone. I only worry myself with bathroom breaks and if I budgeted enough money to buy M&M’s at every pit stop along the way.

Fast forward a mere 40 minutes and Rinn is raising hell in the backseat because he just peed a little in his pants and for the first time in the history of our relationship as parent and child, issued a threat:

“I will pee all in my pants if you don’t stop NNNOOOWWWWW!”

No sane person is going to call that bluff and since modern-day amenities weren’t within view I did the next best thing and pulled onto the nearest dirt road. We hopped out, determined the directionality of the wind and dropped trou. I smiled and waved at rubberneckers and Rinn shouted incessantly that his penis was going to get bigger because he’s 4 now. Peeing roadside is kind of a thing these days; started back in September when we ventured deep into Arkansas to fetch our fur child. I caught him silently weeping in the backseat as he had to take a leak but didn’t want to stop because he “just want[ed] to get there and get [his] baby dog.”

Cue “awww.”