I woke up this morning a mouth breather. Apparently “mouth breather” is now used as an insult in verbal altercations, similar to calling someone a moron; so I should clarify that I did not in fact wake up a moron but rather, I woke up seriously congested. But really? Dude, you’re such a mouth breather. Who comes up with this stuff? Damn you kids.
First thing I do upon realizing that I’m sick is decide whether I’m still capable of shopping since my mom and I had a date to peruse Macy’s for winter coats. I stretched my old coats to their limits by forcing the zipper the entire time I was pregnant and now my parka has a permanent stomach bubble and will have to be retired. The last time that I felt this close to my demise I had just been diagnosed with bronchitis but headed to the mall anyway convinced that retail therapy was the most logical remedy. Logical because I was high on codeine cough syrup; not logical because I would buy no less than 12 of the same Banana Republic tank top and later, be hospitalized with pneumonia. With that in mind, I called my mom to cancel.
Her response: “Oh, that’s too bad. You and Rinn have a pajama day and get some rest.”
I breathed a sigh of relief (through my mouth,) folded to my mothers’ words and settled in for a sick day; which I then realized is frighteningly similar to every other day. Now, nothing about being a stay-at-home mom is glamorous. Most days I shower and do my hair just to put on my fourth pair of yoga pants in a week and spend the day rolling around on the floor prompting my son to crawl. This is all a far fetch from the days when I would run around town in a shirt I had mistaken for a dress and thigh highs; attending magazine launch parties and judging cocktail competitions. I knew these things would be referred to as “a past life” when I got pregnant but I wasn’t aware that the only difference between an average day and a sick day would be some Sudafed and awkwardly huffing air through my mouth.
Has my life really become one perpetual sick day? Maybe tomorrow I'll try putting on real pants.