My wedding pictures were a disaster. So bad that I’m not even willing to provide you with examples to demonstrate how repulsive they really were. The photographer is not totally to blame, I suppose I could’ve tried NOT to be in my second trimester when we were hitched but seriously, why then would you put me in the forefront of every damn picture. I’m wearing white and I’m huge, let’s just add insult to injury by making sure I dwarf everyone else in the photo by having them hide behind me. I’m still tempted to mail her a pipe bomb.

Damn it, I guess this is something you need to see to believe.

Seriously. What. The. Hell.

Roughly a dozen pictures made it out of that day alive (including this one,) the rest will never see the light of day and to the guests: I’m making my rounds and destroying any candid’s you may have shot. I will not rest until they are all vanquished. Following the wedding I would get Facebook notifications saying so-and-so “tagged you in a photo”; these sent me into a depressive tailspin and my husband had to lock up the Drano and a number of other cleaning products that are poisonous when ingested.

Because of this seriously damaging experience, I was hesitant to commit to newborn photography for obvious reasons, the most prominent being swelling. I couldn’t even force my feet into Ugg boots when leaving the hospital and had to wear my mom’s house shoes for almost two weeks. Obviously they were pretty stylish house shoes but they were still house shoes.

I had nothing to worry about. Our photographer at Now It’s PersonalPhotography is a postpartum miracle worker. We got to wear black and I even caught a two-hour nap on a futon in the back of the studio while she captured some of the cutest pictures I’ve ever seen. And as 2012 customers we are eligible for a complimentary Christmas card session so I would start holding your breath for some darling holiday shots.

Still, a family portrait where I didn’t have to squeeze myself into two pairs of spanx and blend into the background would be nice; so we staged some Americana/Summer in the Hamptons/Ralph Lauren editorial photos over Labor Day weekend (courtesy of Moments Photography by Jamie Brill) and included Rinn’s Papa and Lolo (my parents.) I could’ve used a spray tan and it’s clear now that my husband shouldn’t wear shorts but they turned out fabulous and I just had to share.

Thank you to both photographers for capturing incredible and timeless pictures. And to our wedding photographer, if you’re watching, we need to talk.

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