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Baby Bikinis


My foray into motherhood has been eye-opening to say the least. It’s an occupation that doesn’t come with an instruction manual, all of your training is on-the-job and you’re taking your cues from a tiny person who shits their pants. With these rules in play, I’m going to assume that no mother on the planet really knows what she is doing and those that do are only pretending. That’s right, in the realm of parenting we are all on an equal playing field. You. Me. Even Snooki.

So when I read an article about Jessica Simpson facing some backlash because she publicly released pictures of her four-month-old daughter in a two-piece bikini I was yo-yoing between my heart breaking for her and wanting to pummel the righteous retard who thought a knit bikini on an infant was “sexualization.” What kind of name is Claude anyway? I bet your parents are related.

I like to think that we are all just trying to do good by our children and while I’m not so naïve to think that there aren’t monsters out there (hello, I’ve seen Toddlers In Tiaras) I hardly doubt that J. Simp is one of them. The only person “compromising the sanctity of [baby Maxwell’s] early years” is the British idiot who felt it necessary to make her a media pawn in their own prudish agenda. Take this as your cue to go back to being irrelevant.

Good day.