UrbanDictionary.com defines “Hot Mess” as the following:

“When one’s thoughts or appearances are in a state of pitiful disarray but they maintain an undeniable attractiveness or beauty.”

While I would beg to differ with the “beauty” part, the rest of the definition appears to be spot on with my current state of affairs. Add the term “mommy” and things enter a whole new realm of crazy.

Most of you remember my former blog “Someone Put Rum In My Milkshake”, which I abandoned shortly after finding out I was pregnant and having every ounce of wit zapped from my body, an occurrence I felt was a direct correlation with sobriety. Turns out, it was less that I was sober and more that I was pregnant. Even if I hadn’t become the size of your average two bedroom apartment, pregnancy was never going to be a good look on me. Rather than feeling as though I was growing a mini-me deep within my abdominal cavity, I felt like I was growing rage in its purest form. As it turns out there was a baby in there and I discovered that my fetus, not rage, was fueled by unhealthy cravings for doughnuts and A&W Root Beer.

My hostility subsided shortly after our son entered this world; unless you’re my husband, then I stood over your side of the bed holding a pillow just inches above your sleeping face, convincing myself that I had NOT really seen enough episodes of CSI and Law & Order to pull off the perfect murder because you didn’t put your dirty plate in the dishwasher. Postpartum depression wasn’t my thing but postpartum psychosis targeting the one person who allowed me to have our tiny blessing, wasn’t beyond my capabilities. Still, I wasn’t quite convinced picking up where drunk-Rebecca left off was in the best interest of my present offspring. With real life changes come virtual life changes, enter “Hot Mess Mommy” aka www.hotmessandmom.blogspot.com. The actual domain hotmessmommy.com was already taken by a woman, who at first glance, advocates feeding your child homemade sunbutter (whatever the bleep that is) and zucchini bread. Seriously? You can’t be much of any kind of mess if you’re handcrafting your own nutritious version of what appears to be Nutella. The other option, hotmessmommy.blogspot.com hasn’t updated her blog since 2009. Shame on her, there should be a law against wasting precious worldwide web resources. I have real, thoughtful contributions to make to this world via the internet but had to sacrifice my ideal blog name because some “20-something…fabulous, fun, fearless female” (gag) decided to waste everyone’s time at some point back in April of 2009. I curse you. Fear not however, there are other options, such as hotmessmommy.GOV. With the implications that my blog is government sanctioned, people will have no choice but to pay attention.

In reality, this blog came to fruition because on an evening where I thought I was mastering the art of multitasking by eating cold, leftover beef stroganoff while reading Rinn his bedtime story as he sat cuddled in my lap, I accidently dropped a spoonful of said stroganoff on his head. What happened next was horrifying, hilarious and an obvious lapse in judgment; I licked his head clean. Literally stuck my tongue out of my mouth and licked day-old entrée off my 6-month-old baby’s bean. Disturbing and primitive, I couldn’t help but feel an increasing desire to share my self-deprecating tale. After I got over the repulsion of the series of events that just occurred (and gave Rinn a bath); I couldn’t help but toy with the idea that perhaps, while they are no longer raucous accounts of my drunken debauchery, I just might still have tales to tell. Here’s hoping that my journey into first-time motherhood continues to take weird turns and that you all are along for the ride.

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